**warning this is probable going to be a long post** And I hope it makes sense. Sometimes I have a hard time articulating into words what my mind is thinking.
I seem to be in a weird place lately where I'm not quite sure who I am. Let me explain. After some thought I've come to the realization that I have never in my life stopped long enough to figure out who Sarah is. I mean I know I'm a daughter, sister, friend, Christian, wife, and mother (it all happened in that order) but as far as fundamentally who am I at the core.
Lets start at the beginning. For as long as I can remember I've been a sister but that in and of itself is different~my little sister has Downs. This means that for as long as I can remember I too have been a mother of sorts. I've always been expected to help out and even before I started school would have to go to my sister's "school" for therapy with her. I'd help in the classroom and with the other kids...this was life. Then as I got older and JH and HS came around I was then responsible for my sister, making sure she got off the bus, giving medicine, feeding, etc. When it came time for my first car I couldn't just think of myself and what I wanted I too had to make sure my sister could get in and out of it easily and also that a wheelchair would fit in the trunk. So as you can see I just wasn't able to be a "normal" teenager.
Just before graduation (1999) is when I met Jeremy and also the time frame that I started working in pharmacy; I never went to college just straight to work. This is the time of my life though that I look at as the fun times. I think some of that has to do with the fact I was able to do what I wanted and was no longer expected to take care of my sister as I had before. It was also during this time that I began going to church for the first time in my life, I accepted Jesus as my Saviour, and also got involved in a Connect group for the first time ever. I can honestly say that it was during this time I started making true friends as well as became very involved in serving at the church.
Then in 2001, Jeremy proposed and life since then has happened REALLY fast. I'll break it down in years just to make it easier:
2002-bought our first house and got married
2003-quit my job I'd been at for 4 years and took off for 5 months
2004-had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again 4 months later
2005-had Gracie
2006-had Carleigh
2007-Jeremy changed jobs, our Connect group quit meeting, and we sold out house
2008-bought new house and had Harrison
(I look back now and realize that during this time life was a whirlwind)
Throughout this time I wondered "when am I going to feel like an adult?" Well let me just tell you it hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I was cleaning the house and getting the girls lunch when something inside of me said yep now you're an adult. I think this is when I realized I was in a new phase, in unchartered waters. Since then to be honest I've found that I'm not happy with myself. I'm not the wife, mom, or homemaker I dreamed of being. I'm not connected like I was even just a year ago. And to make matters worse I'm a size that I'm not comfortable with. The latter shouldn't be a big deal but as most women know when other parts of your life aren't in order the last thing you want is to look in the mirror and not like what you see.
So all this to say, I have no idea who I am but I'm trying to figure it out. Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey and head into this new phase of my life...whatever it might be.
About Me
- Sarah
- I am a wife, mother, friend, sister, & daughter, but most of all I am a CHRISTIAN! I have been married since 2002 to a wonderful man that works hard to provide for his family. In 2005 we were blessed with our first child, in 2006 with our second, then our third in 2008, and yes our fourth in 2009. I love my family and feel blessed more than I can even convey of the love, grace, and mercy God has shown me.
9 comments:
Sarh, I can totally relate. I have been struggling with this for some time now. I love my husband and kids, but sometimes I feel like I have lost "Katy". I am too at a size I have never been and that makes everything worse. Won't make this too long, but wanted to let you know someone else is there with you.
Katy Oakes
AWWW Sarah. You are a great Mother, Wife, Daughter...etc.... Actually, every time I see you at LHBC I'm always thinking, "Wow, she is super-mom, and super-wife." I don't know how you are able to balance three kids, and being a wife at the same time. My hat goes off to you, and all the other moms who have such dedication to their role as mom, and wife.
I'm also going through a difficult time in one area of my life. It's the, WHO AM I AS A FRIEND? question. I have spent years thinking and thinking about this question. I have never been the type of girl that has had a "clique" of girl friends that goes out shopping and talk on the phone text or e-mail frequently. And that has always bothered me. I don't know why. It just has. Instead I have been the type that has a friend that comes around, and we both invest in each other, and we part. We loose contact.
Several weeks ago, I was reading about my all time favorite character of the bible Jesus...just kidding about that, I'm just giving out the church answer. He is my favorite though:0) But my all time favorite is Elijah. I love reading about him over and over again. Around the 100 millionth time of reading about Elijah, God spoke to me in the same gentle way that he did with Elijah. "Maggie, Elijah didn't have a lot of friends. He traveled a lot and had seasons to where he invested in people, and went on with the next best thing that I had for him. What you are going through is no different than Elijah."
Since then, I relate to the character of Elijah so much more now.
I write all that to say this, You are God's chosen, you are the one that he selected to be the mother of the two beautiful girls, and handsome son, he choose you and only you for Jeremy, and choose you to be the sister and daughter that no one else can be for your family. In that design he is creating a beautiful work of art within you, to display to future generations.
I'm challenged by the example that you lead. And I'm so glad that I have gotten to know you!
Take care girl.
Maggie S.
Sarah,
I can so relate to this post. I'm praying for you. I think sometimes we as women have to be so many things or feel like we have to be so many things to so many people that sometimes we lose sight of ourselves. Not saying that is where you are but I know that's where I've been. Praying for clarity and peace from God.
Let me tell you that you were such a big part of what drew us to LHBC- or rather what led us to stay. I know you couldn't tell because he was so desperately shy but Avery LOVED coming to the singing time in Cubbies and he always talked about Ms Sarah. And Jim and I LOVED that you took the time to try and bring Avery out of his shell. We remember Ms Sarah. :)
I'm at this point in my life right now. I've been through so many changes in three years and I often wondered where the happy go lucky mommy, friend, sister, wife, and daughter has gone to!!!! I can agree with the size factor since i'm still carrying baby wieght PLUS some!!!! You are not alone sister!! Love ya-Angel
Sarah! i read this post and wanted to read it again and again. it was amazingly honest and transparent and so encouraging to me. i will be praying for you. you have always been soooo sweet to me every time i've seen you! thank you so much!
I can totally relate. Especially today. I went to a shower for the daughter of one of my dearest sunday school teachers throughout high school. I saw many people there that I recognized from YEARS ago. The funny thing is....VERY few people recognized me. It was like I took a step back in time....a time when I was Amy Krumel. Not Amy BIERMAN....the wife of Denver Bierman. It made me wonder....do people befriend me for ME or for who they think I am or b/c of whom I married. It was a weird day, and made me think the exact same thing. Who am I???? Yeah....the weight thing sucks. I just gave a bunch of clothes to a friend who just HAD A BABY! And yep....she can wear most of them. Thanks for your transparency!
You are....the bride of Christ, the Redeemed, the Chosen One, the Sought After, both the Served and Servant, Beloved, Transformed, Sealed, Purchased, Renewed, Made New, Living Seed, Crown of Beauty, Salt, Light, Bought with a Price, a Witness, an Heir to the Throne of Grace. You are a Child of the King!! Whew!
Your identity in "you" is fading, because your life is being transformed into His likeness. You are more than a friend, more than a sister, more than a wife, mom, teacher, servant, etc. You carry with you the "fragrance of Christ" into every aspect of your life! YOU ARE......HIS!
And I have been a witness to all of these things in your life! I Praise my Father who has done great things both in you and through you! We're just running sister...keep running! The prize is at hand.
Love you!
Laura
wow ladies I'm humbled by your kind words and over whelmed by those of you who said you're struggling too. I guess this is an area the enemy is attacking in but it is good to know I'm not fighting this alone. We shall stay strong and allow God to transform us. thank you ladies for praying I'm praying for you too!
I am totally with you on the weight thing! A lot of times I think it puts me in a bad mood. These past 5 years have flown by but I am so glad I have gotten to stay in touch and remain friends with someone who knew me before the whirlwind of life! :)
Amy Williams
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